


Vampire Lawyer

by rabidchild67



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Humor, M/M, Vampires, Wrongful Imprisonment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 05:24:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2496029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabidchild67/pseuds/rabidchild67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zach is wrongfully accused of a crime. Can America's foremost undead litigator save him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vampire Lawyer

**Author's Note:**

> Fill to MY OWN DAMN PROMPT on the Pinto Kink Meme. All hail etc.
> 
> Helps to have seen the video:  
> http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6c544605e7/vampire-lawyer
> 
> ALSO! Tumblr user silent-bridge made fan art!   
> [Here](http://silent-bridge.tumblr.com/post/118869689604/may-2015-issue-of-vampire-lawyer-made)

_“Stand back, fish!”_

Zach jumped, startled out of his reverie, and stepped backwards just in time to miss the heavy iron door of his cell sliding home, closing him in. He opened his mouth to speak, to protest the unfairness of it all, but so far his words had fallen on deaf ears, or worse, been met with mocking derision. "Tell it to the judge, Spocko," the arresting detective had told him. 

The arraignment had gone no better. Stanley, his lawyer, did the contract work for _Before the Door_. He was no litigator, much less suited to handling a capital murder trial. 

_Murder_. 

The word was serious enough not to be bandied about so damn easily. How often had Zach used it so carelessly? 

_Oh, these shoes are murder on my feet._

Or

_I could murder an order of curly fries._

Luckily – or not depending on your perspective – his celebrity status got him put into solitary for his protection. Unluckily, it had also gotten his case fast tracked, and within a week he was facing an evidentiary hearing in front of the strictest judge in the county. At least Stanley had managed to find him a crack lawyer to head up his defense team. Zach hadn't met him yet, but apparently he was the best in California. 

Zach was given a suit the morning of the hearing; one of his Tom Fords he noticed – Joe's wife must have picked it for him. He was led to a bus in chains, and already he could hear the whir of camera shutters and the clamoring of the press, and he hadn't even arrived at the courthouse yet. The press was having a field day. How many serial killers had he played now? Three? Four? He shivered and resolved to play suburban dads from now on. 

He was taken to a small holding cell a floor below the courtroom, or so he was told, and made to wait. He sat miserably rubbing his chafed wrists under the cuffs and staring at the bars of the cell, wondering how much it would take to dislodge them. 

He wasn't there very long when there was a commotion in the larger room beyond, one that got louder the closer it got to him. He almost didn't want it anywhere near him, but at least it was something to keep his mind off the immediate future. 

"I vill not be kept from my client!" an unfamiliar voice rang out passionately. "You vill allow me to see heem at vunce!"

Could this be his mysterious defense attorney, who'd been so busy he hadn't had the time to even meet with Zach until now? It wouldn't be long before he found out. 

The outer door opened and a sheriff’s deputy rushed through, keys in hand, heading directly for Zach's cell as if driven forward by fear or urgency. Behind him was a man, tall though not taller than Zach, whose face Zach couldn’t see. Zach got the impression of a dark suit and the swirling of lots of fabric - an overcoat? No, an opera cape. 

_Opera cape?!_

Zach's eyes boggled as the deputy moved aside to unlock the cell door and he got a good look at his attorney. He was a white guy – like _really white_ – with his hair slicked back from a deep widow’s peak that didn't look wholly natural. His eyes – a shocking, otherworldly blue – were ringed by dark circles, though Zach couldn't tell if it was makeup or a shocking lack of sleep. He was dressed in white tie (though the tie itself was actually red), complete with waistcoat, and was indeed wearing an opera cape over the whole ensemble. But none of this was what really got Zach's attention. No, that honor was reserved for the fact the man had what appeared to be a criminally badly made set of caps on his teeth that gave the appearance of fangs and a dribble of something dark coming out of the corner of his mouth. 

Shocked, Zach say up, jingling his chains. 

"Vhat is dis – chains?" Zach's lawyer chastised the deputy. "Do ve really expect heem to escape?" The caps clearly made it very difficult for the man to enunciate, but there was an unmistakably Eastern European accent beneath it all that Zach couldn't place.

“S-sorry, Vampire Lawyer!” the deputy muttered as he knelt on the floor to comply with the lawyer’s wishes. The lawyer stood with his arms crossed, impatiently tapping a foot as the deputy unlocked the shackles at Zach's ankles and wrists, then glared at the man with a scary intensity until he beat a hasty retreat. 

“Dere, now ve are alone,” the man known as Vampire Lawyer said, turning to face Zach. He clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “Let us see if ve cannot get you out of here today, Zachary, no?”

“Um, that would be great – do you really think that’s possible?” Zach had little clue about the evidence being used against him, but the impression he’d gotten so far was that it was pretty damning.

“I am Wampire Lawyer, I eat impossible for breakfast.” He rubbed at the corner of his mouth, and his thumb came away tinged with red. “Ooo!” he said, rubbing at the stain. “More like AB positive today.” He licked it off his thumb. “Vouldn’t vant it to go to vaste, eh? Mwah ha ha ha haaa!”

Zach smiled wanly at the joke, his eyes boggling.

“Vhat?”

“Sorry, I just – so your name is _Vampire Lawyer_?”

The other man shrugged and squinted at Zach thoughtfully. "I go by many names in many different places, and that is one of them. But you may call me Wictor.”

"Wictor?"

“No, _Wictor._ "

"Oh, oh, Victor! Got it."

“Now, allow me to outline for you, Zachary, the basis for our case as ve vill present it to the judge this morning, ah?”

“Great.”

When all was said and done, Zach couldn’t have asked for a better advocate for himself in the courtroom. Vampire Lawyer simply decimated the prosecution’s case as well as the arresting officers’ conduct.

“Your Honor,” he said, pacing moodily in front of the defense table, hands on hips, and cape flowing dramatically from his shoulders, “based on de voefully veak and inadeqvate ewidence as presented by the prosecution, I move for an immediate dismissal of all charges against Mr. Qvinto. Furthermore, I reqvest sanctions against the police for misconduct and general naughtiness! Dis has been a trawesty, a varping of our wery system of justice! Please, I implore you, set Mr. Qvinto free immediately if not sooner!” He punctuated his last sentence by turning in a half circle, bringing his cape over his head and crouching down. In his place arose a puff of smoke and, hovering above it all, a tiny, petulant-looking bat.

The courtroom erupted in applause as the judge banged his gavel over and over again, calling for order as the bat flew over the room to leave through a transom over the door. 

\----

Late that night, Zach let himself into his house, exhausted and relieved that his ordeal was now over. His brother and friends had thrown a celebration in his honor over at Joe’s house, and it had been a lot of fun, helped him to take his mind off the injustice he’d suffered. After the commotion following the judge’s ruling in his favor and the impromptu press conference in the courthouse lobby, he hadn’t had a chance to properly thank his lawyer, and he resolved to take care of that immediately. But for now, what he looked forward to the most was a hot shower and sleeping in his own bed.

He undressed on his way to the bathroom, leaving a trail of clothes in his wake that he would pick up later, and turned the water as hot as he could stand it. Then he stood in front of the mirror to brush his teeth as the room began to fill with steam.

“You are pleased vith the results today, no?” said a voice behind him.

Zach jumped and looked up into the mirror – there was no one there.

“It feels good, your freedom, yes?”

Zach whirled around to find Vampire Lawyer standing as nonchalantly as a man dressed in heavy woolen clothes could stand in a hot and steamy bathroom. “Um, yeah – you bet it does! And hey, I didn't get a chance to really thank you properly before – you disappeared so fast.”

“Vell, de sun – it is not good for my complexion.”

“I guess not. So, um, is there a, uh, reason you’re standing in my bathroom?” Zach’s instinct was to cover his junk, but damn it, this was _his_ house.

“Yes, Zachary, a wery good reason,” Vampire Lawyer replied, suddenly looming over Zach, eyes intent and mesmerizing. “There is the matter of… my payment.”

“Oh, um, I just figured you’d be working as a subcontractor to Stanley. You can just send him your invoice and he’ll pay it right away, I –“

Somehow, Zach found himself backed up against the wall, the warm and scratchy fabric of Vampire Lawyer’s tuxedo pressed against him. “I do not reqvire how do you say… money.” 

“Um, money?” Zach squeaked.

“Yes. I do not reqvire it. My payment is of… a different type of currency.” The last word came out really garbled by the horrible caps on his teeth, but he was licking them almost lasciviously, and Zach’s attention was suddenly captivated by them, in particular how sharp they clearly were.

“So like, Bitcoin?”

Vampire Lawyer’s gaze intensified and Zach could not look away if he tried; the man’s eyes were so deep, so blue, and in them, Zach knew he was staring at his end.

“I think you know, Zachary.”

“Yes,” Zach found himself saying.

“Vill you give yourself to me?”

“ _Yes_ ”

“Wery good.”

Zach tilted his head to the side, exposing his jugular to the man, closing his eyes and crying out in pain as the sharp teeth tore into his tender skin, as they pierced his blood vessels and Vampire Lawyer drank his fill.

_”Did I hurt you, babe?”_

“Gwuh?” Zach asked, blinking awake suddenly with a start.

“I’m sorry – did I hurt you?” Chris asked.

“Hurt what?”

Chris gave him a sheepish look. “I know how you like it when I wake you up with a kiss – I guess I couldn’t help myself.” He indicated Zach’s neck, which he had just been kissing. Zach reached up and felt a slight welt there.

“You gave me a hickey – what the hell, Chris?”

“A love bite,” Chris defended. “Did it hurt? It was no harder than I usually do – but you just screamed.”

Zach ran a hand over his eyes. “Sorry – I had a stupid dream that I was in prison for a crime I didn't commit.”

“Oh no, how horrible. Were you scared?”

“I think I was – but I had a totally kickass lawyer, and he got me off.”

Chris looked relieved. “Got you off, huh?”

“Keep your mind out of the gutter, Pine. But you know what the strange thing was? He was a vampire.”

“A vampire?”

“Yeah – isn’t that weird?”

“Is this some sort of commentary on lawyers being blood-suckers?”

“Ha-ha, yeah maybe.”

“Well, let me help you forget all about it,” Chris said in a low and sexy voice. He pushed the covers away and slithered down Zach’s body, pulling back the waistband of his boxer briefs and pulling Zach’s dick out into the air. It didn’t take Zach long to get hard – truth be told, Vampire Lawyer’s body so close to his had given him half a chubby as it was – and soon Chris was going to town. Minutes later, Zach was coming hard into the intense, moist heat of his lover’s mouth. Chris put Zach’s dick away again neatly and crawled back up to lie beside him propped up on an elbow. He leaned in for a kiss, but Zach stopped him with a hand on his chest. 

“Wait, you’ve got something…” Zach said, rubbing at the corner of his own mouth. 

Chris looked mildly surprised as he swiped at the dribble of cum, then licked it off his thumb. “Vouldn’t vant it to go to vaste, eh? Mwah ha ha ha haaa!” 

\----

Thank you for your time.


End file.
